Sunday, December 18, 2005

Heartache and Breakups


Alas, the usual humdrums and wrenchings of departing the dear ones of home to go home to the other dear ones. The traverse, always oddly uneventful, even if the blue lights flash (maybe it's just happened so often that it doesn't less than commonplace). Alack, there wasn't even that this time around . . . nevermind, that is a cheerful, rejoice-worthy thing. But of course, there is the arrival. The usual frantic screaming bound to the all-too-well-known "thump thump thump (etc.)" Then there is that pain which only can be explained by excess pressure from the little monkeys that cling to you like velcro and can't seem to be complacent with picking the bugs out of your hair and eating them.

Okay, so I got home safely, managing to pull it off without getting another ticket (huzzah). It's just rough doing this whole thing; leaving you guys, leaving what is home to me, leaving my dearest, to come home to those who wish that you would never leave once in a million years. This, too, is home, and I love and appreciate my family, don't get me wrong. It's just that they have added stress into my life by being so wanting of my company. This, however, is why we have Christmas break; stress has miraculously disappeared: no more finals, no more attending classes, no more term papers. It's just you and the bed for 24 hours. So, there is no stress, which means I'm not going to get irritable with my family when they bring up the fact that I'm probably not going to be around for New Years or any time after that for a while. I love them, I really do, and I'm starting to understand and appreciate why they miss me so much, nevertheless, they still have to let go. As for me, I need to be kind and patient in handling the situation.

It's not every day that your first-born son, only child for 6 years, and apparently the glue in the family, prepares for lifetime changes. I've grown and changed a great deal since this summer. I don't even remember how I could've been like that. I've dropped bad habits that I have had for for 6 to 7 years, I've started studying and doing my homework, and even going to classees that I neither had to or wanted to attend. My family doesn't see these direct changes, but they do see the tweak in my personality. They see that air of wisdom and responsibility that is growing about me. They see that twinkle in my eye and that smile on my face when my phone starts singing "Hands Down." That scares them. Heck, thinking about it nearly scares me.

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to get at. It's probably obvious that I'm just rambling trying to talk about something that I have to get done, but am not sure how to get about it. It's not something that scares me, but it is something that concerns me. I want my parents to fully understand what is going on between Maria and me. I want them to be able to accept the fact that I am going to be leaving the house soon, not to come back but for visits. Maybe I'm just not being patient enough. Maybe I do need to heed their wishes, but the problem is that I have never been openly rebellious to them; sure I had my times when I'd do things behind their backs, but it never made a statement to them because they never found out, plus those were foolish things, harmful things. This, this is not foolish or harmful. This is one of those times when you get to say "Mom and Dad, this is how it has to be" because without that they won't have a realization, they'll only slowly come to grips with the fact. I need to assert myself, my responsibility, my coming into independence. It'll be hard for them now, but on the long side of things they'll be able to better handle the bigger things than not being home for New Years.

It's nice being home, it always has been since Germany. But it's the sort of nice comfort that only comes because you've got a home somewhere else; you know, that sort of feeling that you get when you visit grandma and grandpa (not quite the same, but it helps you get the gist). Home is where the heart is, right? I suppose that means the heart can bilocate (or even trilocate if things come down to it). My heart is here, true, and always will be because of the love I have for my family. But my heart is more strongly elsewhere now. Makes me think "Home to Me" . . . "Cause you are home to me, cause you are home to me . . . ."

p.s. - I hope you understand the title now...



  1. JMJ

    Well, Ryan, I don't understand why you can't be with your family for New Year's. Perhaps it is my own ignorance of the situation. To me it would seem that as you prepare yourself to lead a family of your own, you should become closer to your own. And also that since you may be bringing Maria into your own family, that you should make the best effort to become even closer to the heart of your family, since when you are married you will be relying on the support of both your families to persevere in starting your own. That support is invaluable, and you want to give them plenty of opportunity to be welcoming of Maria. The comfort of the mutual support of both of your families is so important especially when you'll need to get your feet of the ground as a married couple. Remember that you are still discerning, are not yet engaged, and since you're not yet married this should be a time of strengthening your relationship with your family. It's an opportunity not to be lost. Well, take that for what it's worth, I don't know the situation but these to me are good general principles.

  2. Thank you Peach, I take your comment for all that it is worth, which is much. It certainly is food for thought. I have been taking the opportunity, actually, to grow closer to my family; for the first time ever this semester, I sat down with my dad and had a talk--an actual father-son talk-- and I have come to communicate more with my family, and I speak with my mom about things that are going on. It has never been so great a relationship with my family. On this note, I should say that the reason for this lacking in closeness with my family has been because it has been very strained and forced that I be with them and spend time with them (in part anyhow). Up till now, I have not asserted myself, letting my parents decide for me what I should do. This would be the first instance of my doing so, and it is a good time for my family to start letting go. Also, to put things further into perspective, it is not only for the purpose of spending this New Years with Maria that I will be going to Front Royal, but also to spend time with the guys that I have not been able to spend thus far because of classes and stresses. It is important that I also spend guy time in this process of discernment to come into better knowledge of who I am as a man, and I have a very limited resource for doing so here. Perhaps this is able to clear things up for you. Aside from my reasoning, I shall keep in mind your thoughts.