Alas, the usual humdrums and wrenchings of departing the dear ones of home to go home to the other dear ones. The traverse, always oddly uneventful, even if the blue lights flash (maybe it's just happened so often that it doesn't less than commonplace). Alack, there wasn't even that this time around . . . nevermind, that is a cheerful, rejoice-worthy thing. But of course, there is the arrival. The usual frantic screaming bound to the all-too-well-known "thump thump thump (etc.)" Then there is that pain which only can be explained by excess pressure from the little monkeys that cling to you like velcro and can't seem to be complacent with picking the bugs out of your hair and eating them.
Okay, so I got home safely, managing to pull it off without getting another ticket (huzzah). It's just rough doing this whole thing; leaving you guys, leaving what is home to me, leaving my dearest, to come home to those who wish that you would never leave once in a million years. This, too, is home, and I love and appreciate my family, don't get me wrong. It's just that they have added stress into my life by being so wanting of my company. This, however, is why we have Christmas break; stress has miraculously disappeared: no more finals, no more attending classes, no more term papers. It's just you and the bed for 24 hours. So, there is no stress, which means I'm not going to get irritable with my family when they bring up the fact that I'm probably not going to be around for New Years or any time after that for a while. I love them, I really do, and I'm starting to understand and appreciate why they miss me so much, nevertheless, they still have to let go. As for me, I need to be kind and patient in handling the situation.
It's not every day that your first-born son, only child for 6 years, and apparently the glue in the family, prepares for lifetime changes. I've grown and changed a great deal since this summer. I don't even remember how I could've been like that. I've dropped bad habits that I have had for for 6 to 7 years, I've started studying and doing my homework, and even going to classees that I neither had to or wanted to attend. My family doesn't see these direct changes, but they do see the tweak in my personality. They see that air of wisdom and responsibility that is growing about me. They see that twinkle in my eye and that smile on my face when my phone starts singing "Hands Down." That scares them. Heck, thinking about it nearly scares me.
I'm not even sure what I'm trying to get at. It's probably obvious that I'm just rambling trying to talk about something that I have to get done, but am not sure how to get about it. It's not something that scares me, but it is something that concerns me. I want my parents to fully understand what is going on between Maria and me. I want them to be able to accept the fact that I am going to be leaving the house soon, not to come back but for visits. Maybe I'm just not being patient enough. Maybe I do need to heed their wishes, but the problem is that I have never been openly rebellious to them; sure I had my times when I'd do things behind their backs, but it never made a statement to them because they never found out, plus those were foolish things, harmful things. This, this is not foolish or harmful. This is one of those times when you get to say "Mom and Dad, this is how it has to be" because without that they won't have a realization, they'll only slowly come to grips with the fact. I need to assert myself, my responsibility, my coming into independence. It'll be hard for them now, but on the long side of things they'll be able to better handle the bigger things than not being home for New Years.
It's nice being home, it always has been since Germany. But it's the sort of nice comfort that only comes because you've got a home somewhere else; you know, that sort of feeling that you get when you visit grandma and grandpa (not quite the same, but it helps you get the gist). Home is where the heart is, right? I suppose that means the heart can bilocate (or even trilocate if things come down to it). My heart is here, true, and always will be because of the love I have for my family. But my heart is more strongly elsewhere now. Makes me think "Home to Me" . . . "Cause you are home to me, cause you are home to me . . . ."
p.s. - I hope you understand the title now...