Friends, I've had enough of New Iceland. I was lifeguarding today. My hands were cold, my body frteezing, and the air was frigid. Lifeguarding in a tee shirt and trunks when the air is 61* around this outdoor pool in a posh neighborhood.
So, that's the last straw. I've had enough of these gray clouds, this frigid air, this incessant rain; I'm going West where the freindly sun warms the lush earth, where the warm fluffy breezes play, where there are no gray clouds, but everything and everyone is happy and gay! ... not gay ...
I'M OFF TO CALIFORNIA!!!
Yes, I'm off to the land of the golden sun and golden gate, but not for your ordinary reasons. Neither the rolling surf crashing on Pacific shores, nor the stately redwoods which stretch up toward highest heaven nor ... what else is there in California anyway? Anyway, these have not summoned me! Rather, I am off to California to discern better my vocation. I am going to visit the Norbertine Abbey of St. Michael's. Otherwise, there are very few other reasons why on God's green earth that I'd ever think of visiting California! It's like Jonah going to Ninevah ... well, it's not that bad I guess, but pretty close! (I'm just picking on California, because I'm a prejudicial eastcoaster! ;) ).
So, why California? Or to put it better, why buy a pair of plane tickets that put you in debt to two siblings whose greatest profit from your spiritual journey is going to be at a rate of 45-50% interest on loans gained from last minute negotiating? Well, it all begins with my dear friend Quia. Quia suggested that I visit the Norbertines, since they were an Orthodox order, and there is a very holy priest there named Fr. N, who could help me in my discernment. Well, I need someone to help me, and since I know of no one other than the Legionaries of Christ, and I know of no one closer I can visit and have put me up, I thought, "why not?" I need a plan for praying about this sophomore year, so I need help. My stay at the abbey is for 4 days, and then Quia's family was going to put me up until I flew back. In the mean time, we might even meet up with Laurel, a cool Californian too, and then go to the beach since I've never seen the Ocean. Looking at Tampa Bay, and getting my feet wet at the Boston Harbor doesn't count. Quia and Laurel are cool Californians ... I think I'll go nuts, but it's one of the risks you take whenever you set foot on that krazy kalifornian soil.
In the interest of being like the natives as much as possible - oh, yes, Quia assured me that her part of California is civilized and still wears clothes, which is nice - I have compiled a small mini-dictionary for survival in Kalifornia especially for Easterners. It has several rules, but I'll give you a taste of the accuracy of the 1st ed. I think it still needs some work, however.
THE EASTERNER SURVIVAL DICTIONARY FOR VISITING THE MOUNTAINS, BEACHES, BIG CITIES, AND NATIVES OF KALIFORNIA.
1. Always say "dude" or "dudette" as that is how the "people of Cahlifornya" address their men and womenfolk.
2. If you want to encourage somebody replace "good job" with the colloquial "surf's up, dude (dudette)!
3. When you wnat to indicate that something you find is pleasing and delightful or "cool", say "Narly". This you can follow with the appositive, "Dude".
4. Californians favorite adjective is "Tohtahlly". It preceds almost every superlative adjective as the superlative.
That's just the teaser section! Ah sources!
1. All the California movie shows.
2. The surfers on Y-a-me-ah from Star Wars (square root of 2)
3. The teenage mutant ninja turtles
4. The beach boys
5. Other California imitaors who try to be genuine and usually are brunettes who dye their hair blond.
Anyway, any thought, Quia! I'm sure it will help me and others go far over there. All excited for one Narly trip to California!